The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
