soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
