Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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