Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
