He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
