She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
