I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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