So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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