Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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