yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
