Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
