I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
