its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
