I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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