I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
