In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
