then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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