totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
