you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
