nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
