the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
They left me at home... I'm a liability
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
