my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize