Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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