If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
