So drunk its hurt
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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