Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I intend to get homeless drunk
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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