What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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