So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
