So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
