the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
