i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
