I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
