I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
