It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
