I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
