I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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