I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
