Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
