Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
