Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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