Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
