dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
