There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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