i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize