I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
