It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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