i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
