Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
