he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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