After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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