I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
