If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
