Cold hands, warm shart.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
