Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
